Amanda Writes…

Another turn around the sun, and it’s no surprise that it’s another blog post.

33 was the comeback that was needed. Last year, I spent so much of my birthday feeling unfulfilled, in a place of lack, and just overall feeling like I was flailing and failing. It wasn’t pretty.

If 32 was the year that life kicked my ass, 33 was the year that I showed life that I kick harder. I’m happy to report that everything I set out to do at 33 now has a check mark. I got out of a dead end job where I was surrounded with “leaders” that lacked vision. I moved into a different area of the organization that has me surrounded with the type of leaders I am more accustomed to working with, and not only began thriving but got promoted to a manager role within 5 months.

I also finished my Bachelor’s degree! At the end of June, I was stoked to finish all my coursework and while it still took over a month to see my degree become official, it happened! I celebrated with my closest family and friends and couldn’t be happier at what came next. I got accepted into a Master’s program! While I knew it was needed for my career path, knowing my previous academic struggles, I really was not sure that it would happen for me. Two acceptances later, I can proudly say that my decision has been made, and in just 30 days, I begin my first semester as a Master’s student at Barry University.

33 also saw me take on more of an established presence within the performing arts organization that I perform in! I was blessed with an opportunity to help out with the community choir for a few months throughout the spring and the beginning of the summer! That opportunity not only allowed me to utilize my musical and business talents, but also allowed me to make more meaningful connections with my fellow choir members and deepen friendships. I also felt a lot more comfortable on my violin this year, hitting a record amount of notes per concert than I had previously, which culminated with an INCREDIBLY EPIC performance of video game music back in November. I’m still dreaming of that concert and would gladly play it ten times over if asked.

Alright, so on to the juicy stuff. I suppose that at this point, it’s no secret, but love found me again. Remember that person I talked about last year? And how we both had some growing to do? Well, we did. Turns out that sometimes time can be the best thing to happen to people. After months of not really speaking and a series of very fortunate events, my boyfriend and I are together and this time, for good. I am experiencing the love I prayed for. I am blessed to have someone in my life that not only reciprocates the love that I give, but loves my son and my family, too. In him, I have found a refuge for all my crazy and he has given me the gift of family that my heart didn’t realize it needed. I am excited to see what the next year brings for us.

All in all, what did I learn? Patience. It’s the thing I STILL struggle with. However, as much as I have been preaching the power of the pause lately, I look back at the last year and see how I have begun handling different circumstances in my personal and professional life with a lot more patience than I may have done so previously. I have also learned that I’m kind of a badass. For several months, I have juggled a lot on my plate, and when I felt like I was going to break, I asked for help, and other times carried my load with grace. Now, I’m not one to promote that kind of behavior, but sometimes we need to bite off more than we can chew to remind ourselves that we really are capable of accomplishing anything. So much of 33 felt impossible, and I’m still reeling as I think back to the last year and just how much I got done, but I couldn’t be more proud of how much life turned around. I am excited to keep checking off boxes with 34.

Until next year,

A.

You know, I debated if I should even write this chapter. Chapter 32 went differently than I expected, and to be frank, I’m not quite sure that I’ve processed it all.

32 was… uncomfortable. 32 wasn’t my best. 32 is still teaching me a lot about patience. I am very much in a state of flux and expansion, right now.
So it is in that spirit, that I bring you to the beginning of Chapter 33 in all of its wondrous chaos.

Personally? Not my best year. Professionally? Also not my best.
I find myself on the other side of so many decisions, and I am equal parts shocked and proud that I’m still relatively sane.

Let me explain… I lost a lot this year.
I lost people that I loved, and I’m still quietly working through my grief. Mourning those that have gone too soon is difficult. My family lost a ray of sunshine and a warrior in her own right. My cousin’s death shook our family to the core, but reinforced the idea that our time on this earth is limited, and it really can end at any time. Her death has re-centered my focus on living my life to the fullest and making memories every day.
I’m also grieving the loss of people that are still living, but I carry these people so very close to my heart each and every day, and I have all the faith in the world that this pain is only temporary.

Professionally, I lacked direction. I’m no stranger to bad days, and I have always been one to welcome their challenges, but man, I have spent the majority of this year unhappy and unsatisfied with my work. Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for the opportunities I have earned, because I am well aware that others would love what I have, but my work is not fulfilling me in the ways I would have hoped. As I have grown this year, I have come to realize that I am in need of more. Not money, but joy and contentment in my work, more importantly, work that aligns with who I am as an individual and putting my innate talents to good use.

Ever the optimist, I do believe that these difficult moments were meant to teach me something good. Here’s what I’ve gotten out of it so far:

The most challenging year in my career forced me to take a step back and ask myself: why do you enjoy being a leader and what makes you pretty good at it? I realized that the answer was people. I just genuinely want to help people. Thus, after several internal monologues and family discussions later, I made the decision to go back to school. Not for business or leadership, but for psychology. That’s right, folks, I’m finally gonna finish this damn Bachelor’s degree! With plans to go on and get a Master’s in Mental Health Counseling, because I realized it’s my calling to help people, and as a fierce advocate of mental health, my head and my heart know that I should be a therapist. For the first time in my life, I know what I want to be when I grow up and I couldn’t be more proud or excited for the future that is to come!

It comes as no surprise thatI have always found joy in being creative in my work and for a long time, that helped me get by. I created enough of an outlet for my creativity to feel like myself. Or so I thought.

The hospitality job that wasn’t for me, brought me one good thing (other than amazing benefits), and that was a certain individual that put me on to the most amazing organization I didn’t know existed. At the beginning of this year I joined Central Florida Community Arts’ orchestra and choir. Y’all… For all the creativity I felt that I have lacked over the last few years, it has multiplied tenfold. This amazing organization quite literally brought me back from the brink of turning into a person I could hardly recognize. I have found a community of amazing musicians who I can now begin to call friends, and I have rediscovered my passion for music, and for myself. I said it earlier this year, but performing has felt like I’ve come back into myself, a coming home, if you will. I simply could not be happier for the impact this organization has made on my life in such a short time and I look forward to what the next year will bring!

Okay, okay, okay… Back to the juicy stuff, because I know you want to know. Did I find love this year? I did. I reconnected with a beautiful soul, and while it was short lived, he certainly showed me what it was like to be in a relationship where two people actually make an effort. Of course, as I said, it didn’t last. That relationship also showed me that I wasn’t ready for some of the things that I thought I was. Being the hopeless romantic I am, though, I know things will start to make more sense when the right person shows up.

I found that the way I love has transformed this year, too, and it’ll be interesting to see how it manifests in this next chapter.

I firmly believe that praying over the people you love is the purest form of love. Well, 32 answered a prayer. I whispered a plea very early on in the year and in September, I saw it answered. There are no words that can do my gratitude justice except: Won’t He do it.

32 was brutal. It forced me to take a long, hard look at myself. The years I have spent being introspective and practicing grace with myself were not in vain, though. This year has tried my own understanding of myself, and I have had to be patient with the things I can control and especially with the things I can’t. I’m still taking it all in, but even in my toughest year, I cannot help but be filled with overwhelming gratitude. At the end of 32 years, I am still here. I have found a new sense of purpose, a new sense of belonging, I have reinforced my values, and re-established my worth (and added tax!). Damn. What a year.

I leave you with this: A lot can happen in a year, even when you feel like nothing is happening. So, if you haven’t heard it lately, I’m proud of you and keep going. It gets better, I swear.

– A

Songs of the year:
Feel Good Too – Jason Mraz
You Might Like It – Jason Mraz

I’ve visited places this year that have had a profound impact on me. As the New Year approaches, it seemed fitting to reflect back on these places and what I’ve learnt.

My own town taught me that there is magic in the ordinary. Don’t overlook it or take it for granted.

The Florida beaches taught me to just let things flow and that there’s no problem salt water and a cool breeze can’t fix.

Roatán taught me that there’s nothing more important than family. The bonds we break and the bonds we make are equally important parts of the fabric we weave throughout our lives. They not only make us who we are, but challenge us to be better than our pasts.

Puerto Rico taught me the importance feeling grounded & connected to your roots. When in doubt, return to the people and places that feel most like home.

South Carolina taught me everything love could be if you just give it a chance. I was reminded that love is not only a choice, but a verb, one that we must actively participate in if we are to see the seeds of love truly blossom into something as strong as a 400 year old oak tree.

Utah taught me the importance of authenticity and freedom. Listen to that vibration in your soul, it’s usually trying to tell you that you’re on the right path. Don’t be afraid of change and never lose your sense of adventure.

As 2023 approaches, I intend on continuing to visit beautiful places and
discover more about, not only the world around me, but myself.

Until then, I’ll leave you all with this: Be good, take care of each other, and when you’re faced with the opportunity to make a difference & be a source of light in the world, do it.
Wishing you the happiest of New Years.
Go, be great.




Soundtrack for the Year: As It Was – Harry Styles

What a time to be alive. Seriously. Today, although I am really tired, I am bursting with life.

After a small get together with my closest girlfriends on Friday night, I decided to spend my birthday alone. A choice I was quite unsure of even as I boarded a plane to the one place I swore up and down I’d never go, Las Vegas.

There was really only one thing I wanted for my birthday, and I had spent months contemplating if it was responsible, feasible, and if it just seemed downright insane. For a while, I had decided it against it.

As the weeks drew nearer to my birthday, everyone was asking what I wanted to do, and quite honestly, I couldn’t give them an answer.
I knew there was only one thing I wanted to do.

Through love, heartbreak, and the journey to dive deep and really know ones self, Adele has been a monumental part of my life’s soundtrack since I first saw her on my favorite show, Ugly Betty, in 2009.
So naturally, when her Vegas residency was announced, and delayed, and re-announced to have concert dates on my birthday weekend, I knew that was where I wanted to be.
I orchestrated the trip to Vegas just a couple of weeks ago. I’d managed to get a steal on plane tickets, and thanks to working for a massive travel company, I didn’t have to give lodging a second thought.

The rub was playing chicken with StubHub, monitoring the shows the week before and see how much resale tickets would ebb and flow before determining when to buy.
I didn’t buy my ticket until I got to the airport Saturday morning, and her show was Saturday night.
I touched down in Vegas a few hours before the show, freshened up and headed out to enjoy the most dazzling concert of my life.
I teared up more times than I could count. Adele gave a show of legendary proportions, and I now have memories that I’ll cherish for a lifetime.

The day before I left to Vegas, I knew I’d have a free day on Sunday. I was perfectly content with staying at the resort relaxing as I had no desire to gamble or explore The Strip.

However (and I know this is probably predictable behavior on my part by now) I decided hmm, let me see if there are any tours I can take.

I didn’t have much desire to see the Grand Canyon, so I continued my search and found a tour that had a couple of points of interest and availability for Sunday. It would be a full day affair, and so it was the perfect solution to pass the time outside of a city I had no remote interest in. So I booked it. Mind you, I was terrified. This has been the most audacious trip I’ve taken alone. The thought of being a woman, alone (albeit on a tour), in national parks?! Absolutely terrifying.

What transpired was honestly beyond any of my wildest daydreams.

After a very long day of traveling and watching Adele, I went back to my resort and knocked out, only to wake up at 4 AM to get ready for the day’s adventure.

I boarded the bus at 6 AM and started the trek east into Arizona. From there, what seemed like just one quick left turn, I was in Utah.
Now, anyone that knows me knows, I am NOT a fan of the heat. I could not have done this trip in the height of the summer and been comfortable, nor content.
But let me tell you, there is something about these red rock mountains that are a thing of majesty. I found myself pressed to the window in awe. And that was just the drive!

My journey began in Zion National Park. I was surrounded in beauty that I truly cannot put into words. Every single thing that I laid my eyes on was beautiful. Although I felt very small, I felt an immense sense of belonging. Amongst strangers and sights completely unknown to me, I felt this tug in my heart that I was exactly where I was meant to be.

I always joke around that I’m such a Sagittarius, ever the adventurer. Something within my spirit came alive at Zion National Park and I think the impact of this trip has created an irreversible effect in my heart.

On the ride, I made friends! Michelle from London, Mike from Toronto, and Thao from Seattle (if you’re reading this, hello!). Thank you for taking the time to chat and celebrate with me! I know you all enjoyed the sights just as much as I did.

The next leg of the tour took me to Bryce Canyon. The route there was peppered with snow, and I started to get excited. When the tour bus made it to the lookout point, the canyon with it’s red rocks looked like gingerbread dusted with snow.

As I took in the sights of Bryce Canyon, I noticed snowflakes were falling from the sky. First a few, and then bringing in a lovely flurry of snow. I was beside myself. I hadn’t seen snow since I was 7, and living in New York, my birthday was synonymous with Christmas and snow.
Living in Florida, my birthdays just mean sometimes decently cool weather.

With absolutely no shame, I twirled around, stuck my tongue out to catch snowflakes, and threw myself into the snow and made a snow angel.
My hair and eyelashes dusted with snow, I felt liked a kid again.
That’s when it hit me, this trip wasn’t just for me. This trip was for my inner child. My 32 year old self was holding a younger version of myself nice and close.

I didn’t realize that the joy and childlike wonder in which I indulged myself in the snow was some unconscious part of me saying that this is the lens in which I should be viewing the world.

For far too long, I’ve played my life pretty small. Always looking around and waiting on others to make a move, or secure permission of some sort. As years go past, I find myself becoming bolder and bolder. I’m becoming someone that the child version of me could be proud of.

Today, at 32, I feel emboldened and fearless of the year that lies ahead.
This year will continue to shower me in nothing but love, blessings and adventure. I know that only the very best is on the horizon, and I cannot wait to experience it.

Do you believe in fate? Destiny? Kismet?

Here’s what I believe. I truly and whole-heartedly believe that when you make plans, God (or the Universe) laughs. Hysterically.

And I’m not talking a mere giggle, oh no, I am talking, laughing so damn hard to the point where there are tears, there’s no sound coming out except for the occasional wheeze to wind the laugh back up again.

But I truly believe that everything in this life happens for a reason. I no longer believe in accidents or coincidences. I believe that everything in this life is divinely orchestrated to some degree.

Now, a few years ago, I probably would have told you that’s horseshit (sorry I just got back from a trip and the smell of literal horseshit is still kind of permeated in my nostrils). But now… Now. Things are different. I have seen the way life has played out not only for me, but those around me. I’ve witnessed miracles, first hand. I’ve seen the beauty and joy and pain and suffering of those closest to me and the destination that journey has brought us all to.

In my own life, I truly thought that things were left to chance. To some degree, I know and am of the belief that I’m the author of my life. I create these badass stories (both literal and figurative) of how my life has and should play out. Part of that, is because I have this need to be in control of damn near every aspect of my life. We can talk about the toxic trait this can fester into at another time. I know that the need to be in control exists because of trauma.

So imagine my surprise when things started happening in my life that no matter how hard I tried to control them, they would always end up transpiring in ways I never expected.

I learned that once you surrender control, fate steps in and handles the rest.

It is absolutely no secret that I have struggled with religion as a man made construct. I have vocally denounced the ways that people utilize religious texts and weaponize them as the end to justify their means.

Consequently, this struggle lead to many years of my life where I felt like I wasn’t sure if God, or any higher being for that matter, existed. I’ll be honest, there are still some days where I don’t know if I can call out for certain “who” I believe in. However, I feel that in the grand scheme of things, that’s okay. Because what *does* exist, what has gotten stronger, despite my disdain for religion, is my faith. I’m finally in a place in my life where I can accept that something much larger is always at work in my life.

And the thought that some higher being is pulling some strings and opening doors I’ve yet to see is comforting. It’s allowed me to loosen the reigns and let go of my constant need for control. Honestly, other than healing and self-love, that’s probably been the other biggest lesson and obstacle I have had to make a dent in to so that I can begin to overcome it. I never realized how much I enjoy taking control of things until now that I’ve realized how good it feels to let go. I’ve allowed fate to handle some situations in my life and I am beginning to see the purpose and the intent behind them. And when it comes to dating, I’m learning to let other leads (a little – come on – be serious. I’m naturally a planner so it wouldn’t be very authentic of me if I didn’t plan a little, right?!)

I think that’s the other part about letting go of control and letting others lead. It’s allowed me to tap into some feminine energy I haven’t really had to time to be present with. I don’t feel this constant need to lean in anymore, and so in some way, I feel like I’m evolving into the woman I was always meant to be. I’m a lot more cognizant of how I’m showing up and allowing myself to get of that masculine and domineering space I’ve kept myself in for so long. I realized that that version of myself served me well while I needed her. She kept me whole, strong, always on guard. In turn, though, I think that sitting so long in my masculine kept me out of touch with myself and kept others at arms length from being able to see and experience the real me.

Lately, I feel safe. Safe to be myself, safe to be a woman. I see it in the way I show up, in the little ways and the big ways, too. I see it in how I carry conversation, I see it in the way I’m choosing to move through the world. I have found the balance between being delicate and strong, and I find myself able to vocalize and advocate better for my needs and desires.

This balanced version of me has truly allowed me to open up more as a mom. I find myself being a much better mother to my son as I am far more patient and attuned to his needs than ever before, which is a far cry away from where I was 4-5 years ago. I also find myself in the position to be a far better lover than before. With no longer feeling the need to control every aspect of my interpersonal relationships, I know that I will always end up wherever and with whomever I am supposed to be with.

I used to laugh at the thought of “everything happens for a reason.” I think I used to say it just for the sake of saying it. I don’t think I ever really anticipated the ways in which fate would take my life and shape it. And now, I’m humbled. Greatly. And what else could I possibly do but share my experiences and express my gratitude?

I used to think that I wasn’t worthy of all the good things that have happened in my life, and from conversations with a lot of the people closest to me, I know that I was never alone in feeling that way. What has transpired in my life this year has taught me and reinforced the fact that I am an inherently good person for whom good things have and will continue to happen to. I am deserving of all that I have and of all of the things that have yet come to pass.

I need you to believe that, too. You are deserving of kindness, of grace, of mercy. You deserve any and every good thing that can possibly happen to you. Sometimes, though, you have to go through some really shitty situations in order to grow through to what is meant for you. The view from the other side is beautiful, though, I promise.

“Destiny is a series of detours.”

I recently re-watched one of my favorite shows, Jane the Virgin, and I heard one of the main characters reading those words in a letter.
And it hit me. Hard.

As someone that looks as her life as this ever-sprawling map, I could see how through much of my adult life the main road would have detours springing from it. Some of them scenic, some of them tragic, but all of them necessary. All of them have shaped and colored my life into the interesting mosaic that it is today. These detours have taught me appreciation, respect, and trust.

All I can say is that I’m so thankful that I finally learned to let go of expectations and let destiny intercede on my behalf. It’s allowed me to tap into this beautiful new era of my life that I know is bound to bring in countless blessings.

“Sit with it.”
That’s something I catch myself saying a lot these days. “Think about how that makes you feel and sit with it for a bit.”

Let me tell y’all something: I am excellent at giving advice.
I am, however, pretty terrible at taking it.

So here I am, taking my own advice, and sitting with my feelings and seeing where it takes me.

The last post I wrote found me lost in the crossroads. I was unsure of what path I should follow, and little did I know, that the path would soon find me.

Just a few weeks after that post was published, I interviewed for a new role and landed it. Shortly thereafter, I went on a trip that allowed me the space to do some self reflection. That trip allowed me to put certain situations in my life into perspective and the path forward was suddenly clearly illuminated.

So fast forward to nearly 5 months later and here I am. I’ve been doing some serious inventory when it comes to my heart space. I’ve said good-bye to connections that were no longer serving me, I’ve modified the access that some people had to me, and I’ve restructured my boundaries in my existing relationships to create a healthy space for me to continue to grow within them while still being a good whatever it is I am to them.

During this time, I have come to realize that this next phase of my life is centered around trusting there’s a plan being divinely guided that no one can get in the way of. It can certainly transform or be delayed in time, but what is meant for me is always going to be for me.
And that’s the wisdom that I’m bestowing upon you.
Whatever is for you, will be for you. No man, no woman, no anything could ever get in the way of that.

I am very much an actionable person. I like to see actions that affirm a belief in order to truly grasp it.

I got confirmation of these events when I realized how the doors were swinging open. Things suddenly felt like they were happening quickly, but it felt right. It sat well with my soul.

Now, on the other side of the whirlwind, is slightly a different story. This is where the real work begins, but it’s also exactly what I had been asking for. I wanted opportunities in my life that validated the talents I possess, and right now, I know I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.
That’s a really beautiful feeling.

The divide in the road is gone, and for the time being I know exactly where I’m headed. The few months where I felt lost and confused served it’s ultimate purpose. I was spun on my axis, the doors swung open, and my feet carried me down this path of belonging.

Do you ever wonder why we call it falling in love?
When you think about it the act of falling is so easy. So easy, in fact, that gravity welcomes us to meet the earth whenever we can. Falling lends itself to getting bumped and bruised. Falling is easy.

But rising into love. Let that sink in for a moment. Rising to love someone is far more profound. It says, yes, I see the challenges you face, and I am willing to stand shoulder to shoulder with you and help you conquer them.

Where falling is easy, rising requires considerable effort.

So how do we as human rise to love others?

I think it begins with honesty, and the acknowledgement that you aren’t perfect. It’s about letting down your defenses and allowing people in. It’s showing yourself and others grace. It’s about staying true to the deepest desires of your heart. It’s finding the beauty in the flaws, and loving in spite of them.

Rising to love another person is an act of courage, a selfless endeavor, and a relentless effort to make it work.

Well, it looks like I’ve made it around the sun once again, and what a year it’s been.

Every year, for my birthday, I enjoy reflecting. I take particular satisfaction in glancing back at what exactly I’ve done over the course of my latest rotation around the sun.
During these reflections, I usually notice that a theme has been highlighted. It’s either something that I need to pay more attention to in order to fix or overcome something, or it ends up being a blessing.

This past year, however, was different. Try as I might, I couldn’t seem to make sense of my surroundings and the things happening within them.
30 was utter chaos. 30 was heartbreak of the most acute kind. In short, 30 was the year of surprises, because I can legitimately say, I didn’t see what was coming. So how do you make sense of chaos?

30 was a year of unexpected twists and turns.
In July, I lost my birthday twin, my maternal grandmother. This is the first birthday I am celebrating without her, and I must confess it brings a sense of emptiness in its anticipation and I’m sure it will in its wake.

30 also brought me the loss of my uncle. In a surprising and cruel manner, my uncle was in a coma for the better part of a month, and passed in October. But our family’s grieving was prolonged due to what I can only describe as disappointment after disappointment, and the arduous task of moving a body from one country to another. We finally buried him in our motherland a month after his passing.

Funny how life works, though. In moments of great sadness, moments of happiness and light can still be found. I found that some of the relationships I had questioned or never paid much attention to began to take center stage in my life. I found these relationships become stronger through the power of love, forgiveness and grace. I look forward to seeing how they continue to bloom.

While 30 decided to throw me for a loop, it brought me a new perspective on the power of faith, perseverance and healing. There was no shortage of trying situations this past year, and the process of looking within and above were helpful in navigating me through them. This year saw progress on how I’ve handled my traumas, and while I’m not perfect, I’ve made pretty decent strides. My efforts to continue healing only grow, and my sincerest wish is that I chip away significantly at my traumas.

I won’t lie, this year really cut me down at the knees, and even now my head is still spinning and I’m still getting my bearings. Even so, I have found within myself the willing urge to fight for a better future for myself and those that I love. I plan to spend as much time as possible in the next year surrounded by love and support.

While I don’t know what 31 will bring, I am certain that it is infinitely better than 30.

So here’s to falling down 30 times, and getting up 31.


Birthday Blog Playlist:
*Happiest Year – Jaymes Young
*Landslide – The Chicks
*I Drink Wine – Adele
*Hold On – Adele

It’s only taken 30 years, but recently I discovered I have a super power.
Now, before you get ahead of yourself… No. I was not bitten by a radioactive spider, I was not part of some science experiment gone wrong, and I certainly am not some wealthy billionaire with a secret tech lab.

No, my superpower is a lot simpler, and honestly, it’s probably not even that remarkable.

My heart is my superpower. My ability to love, and share that love with others is my superpower.

My heart has loved in many ways. From my first loves, my parents. To my first love. To the love that ushered in an era of a different kind of love, my son. In recent years, I’ve grown to love myself, and more recently, discovered the love I never thought I was capable of.

This is probably the part where I tell you, it’s not all love and light, and like an good superhero, I’ve got to have a weakness. Well, in this case, my super strength, is my super weakness and my heart was not immune from experiencing it.

My first love and my first heartbreak was my parents. My parents were never perfect by any means, and their love didn’t give me a solid foundation for what love is, it actually did quite the opposite. I know what love isn’t because of them, and for that, I’m thankful.
Now, this is not to say that my parents are terrible people. They aren’t. They are, however, human, and humans make mistakes. I have only ever “called it like I see it” throughout my life, and as I reflect, I realized that my father has become a huge part in my realization of what I never want to experience as someone’s wife. Again, this is not to say that he’s a horrible person or that my mother is perfect, because she isn’t. But I can only go on what I experienced as a child, and his past actions specifically manifested itself into my life in ways I never thought were possible.
Witnessing what he’s done to my mother firsthand really set the tone for me in so many ways. Again, it has taught me what I never ever want to experience for myself.
I must say, though, I’m happy and proud that he’s finally found someone to be a better man for, and that gives me a glimmer of hope.

16 year old me, was a complete idiot. I gave my heart to the wrong person and it had damn near disastrous consequences. I learned a lot, though. Again, I learned more of what I never wanted to experience again. I learned what it was to deal with emotional and mental abuse, and that no matter how much you try, you can’t fix someone that doesn’t want to be fixed.

From 16 to about 26, I tumbled through different relationships, from casual to more serious. Throughout all that time, my heart was battered and bruised, and it was constantly putting itself back together and all the while becoming stronger.

At 25, I had my son, and while for most women it’s the happiest time of their life and they’re just so full of love, I was empty. I was void of all emotion. I was stuck in “struggle love” and I lived in such a constant state of lack that it took me down the darkest path I have ever walked.

27, though. 27 was an awakening.
The love I found in myself is probably one of the strongest loves I’ve experienced. There’s an immense gratification that you get from self-love. That’s probably because it’s had to be planted, watered, tended to, and nurtured by no one other than myself. And it has seen me through the darkest time of my life, and saved me from death. It’s the love that picked me up by the bootstraps, and made me face myself in the mirror. It’s the love that put dreams into action, and launched me into countless successes, the biggest of all, learning to love my son.

It’s really remarkable to have a heart that loves the person it resides within just as much and maybe a little more than the people outside of it.
This kind of love teaches you so much about your worth. It helps you understand your past while laying the groundwork for the future you want. It shows you strength in reinforcing your boundaries, and never settling.

In the last couple of years, I’ve opened myself back up to relationships, despite my mind’s constant protest and reminding me of when I said I’ll never get married.
While I would like to say that I’ve gotten right, things don’t always go the way you plan them. You make choices hoping they’re the right one, you go on dates and think okay, maybe this is it, but it doesn’t always pan out.

I spent 8 months with someone going through motions, and realized I was wasting time delaying the inevitable.

That’s when something really strange happened.

Enter, the love I never saw coming. The love that waltzed through a door I never realized I left open. The love that indubitably changed everything.
To be honest, I don’t know what I was expecting, but it surely was not that. As far as I’m concerned, we were the only 2 people that existed in the world that night, because at that moment, the world that I knew, completely changed.
It’s been the love that has challenged and tested me. It’s the love that has taught me patience, it’s the love that has taught me the art of intention and forgiveness. It’s the love that has shown me it’s okay to fight and it’s okay to fail. It’s the love that has had me break down some traumatic barriers in my past, to make way for a brighter future. In short, it’s the love that has taught me to rise into the incredible privilege of love.

My heart has brought me so much comfort and peace, lately. It has shown me the most profound depths of my soul. It has taught me grace and compassion. It has taught me, not only how to heal others, but myself in ways that make a difference. It has also taught me, that I can’t fix everyone, and that sometimes you have to relinquish control, and that’s okay. My heart has taught me a lot about forgiveness, and it really is more for yourself than anyone else.

There really was a certain point in my life where I felt I could never love again. I legitimately thought, that it just was not for me. I actually believed my life would just be a cluster fuck of relationships and failures to launch.

I’m seeing myself on the other side of that now, though,and I honestly can’t help but laugh at who I was a few years ago.
All of this to say, be kind to yourself in the big ways and the little ways too. Practice loving speech in the mirror every morning, and say something sweet to yourself before you get lost in dreams.
The more you practice love for yourself, the more you’re opening yourself up to seeing that love and so much more returned to you.

I wish you all well. I wish you all love.

-Amanda